Oh yeah, marriage really does take work

Tae and I have been together since July 17, 1997.  Sixteen years this July.  For the first 10 years, our relationship was easy and effortless.  We had an argument on average about once a year.  We loved spending time together traveling, playing golf, going out to eat and hanging with our friends.  

When Lauren came into our lives on July 22, 2007, the frequency of our arguments grew.  The first few weeks were hard as I adjusted to motherhood and "mourned" my previous life.  I snapped at Tae if a single bottle was left in the sink unwashed.  I got annoyed when he would get up for night-time feedings with me, and then fell asleep right in front of me when I had a newborn stuck to my breasts.  Then we figured out life as a family of three and we were back on track.

When Elizabeth joined our family on July 16, 2009, I went through an adjustment period as well.  I now had Lauren's feelings to worry about.  How was she adjusting to a new baby in the house when she herself was still a baby?  How did she really feel having to split mommy's, daddy's and grandma's time in an instant? 

Then the next three and a half years just whizzed by.  They were filled with helping two children start their school years.  Making sure they had (cute) clothes, backpacks, and extra set of clothes at school.  Giving baths, reading stories and tucking in for bedtimes, making breakfasts, doing the daily morning routines.  Keeping basics like milk, eggs and paper towels always stocked.  Scheduling like nobody's business to ensure I made every parent teacher conference, major school event like Pajama Night, Thanksgiving Assembly, and Fall Fair activities.  Strategizing drop-off and pick-up schedules with Tae and my mom.  Doing my best at work while leveraging every opportunity to be flexible whenever I needed it.  Earning promotions.  Managing through business travel one trip at a time.

Did you notice anything obvious missing?  There was nothing about working on my marriage.  Upon reflection, over the past five years, I have seen Tae more as a parenting partner than Tae as my husband.  The precious hours after bedtime were spent watching DVR'ed shows, online shopping, and more often than not, working.  I did not prioritize, nor did it occur to me: Connect with my husband.  I simply forgot.  Sounds so strange seeing it in writing.  Again in hindsight, this was the reason I was getting easily annoyed and irritable at him.  Then we reached a boiling point and we experienced the lowest point of our nearly 16 years together.  Our behavior was disgusting.  We used words and tones that we never used with each other before.  We totally disregarded each other's feelings and if I allow myself to be honest, I questioned whether our marriage was FUBAR (f*cked up beyond all repair).  It took us two weeks to decompress.  We did our own thing during that time (went to work on our own, didn't speak, etc.) and came together only in the evenings when we said good-night to the girls.  

At Montauk the summer after we got married.

Then it took our recent trip to Mountain Creek to reconnect as a family.  Our marriage wasn't FUBAR.  It just needed some deliberate reconnections, considerations, appreciation, grattitude and respect.  This is the case for any relationship by the way.  We were taught a tough lesson and it'll be up to us to make sure it wasn't for nothing by making the commitment to focus on our marriage, remember to have fun just the two of us and remember that being husband and wife is just as important as being mom and dad.